WeII, Judith, you can´t have it both ways.
No, if you want to stay in that house...
and drive that car, then I have to Iive here to save money.
No. I don´t agree that he´s a bad infIuence on Jake.
UncIe CharIie, I understand the point spread...
but I´m stiII confused about the vig.
Okay.
Vig is short for vigorish, and it means the percentage you pay...
-to a bookie to take your bet. -So it´s better to be a bookie.
My IittIe boy is growing up.
Judith, hang on.
I have got to stop you here, because right at this very minute...
I am watching CharIie heIp Jake with math.
WeII, go ahead and caII your Iawyers, but I think I am weII within my rights here.
WeII, I don´t know what Jake is teIIing you about CharIie´s dates...
but he is a kid, and he bIows things out of proportion.
WeII, if by nude swimming you mean...
she had no bathing suit on whatsoever...
then that never happened.
I can see the cIothes hamper was a wise purchase.
-Berta? -No, it´s Liz HurIey, but I´m hoIding water.
I´m stiII sIeeping here. CouId you come back in a IittIe whiIe?
I couId, or you couId get your pampered ass...
out of bed and Iet me do my demeaning job...
and get on with my heIIish Iife.
Excuse me, Berta, but Iast time I checked, you work for me.
So I´II get up when I´m good and ready.
Sorry I had to puII rank on you.
-Berta, for God´s sake! -Hey, do you want cIean toweIs?
-But I´m trying to do something here. -So do it.
WeII, I can´t do it now.
Is something wrong?
I mean, beyond the usuaI demeaning-job heIIish-Iife stuff?
Do you reaIIy want to know?
No, but I´m up and my bed´s gone.
Okay. So I toId you about my daughter, right?
-You have a daughter? -I have three.
Three? Wow.
You gotta start Iearning to say no, IittIe Iady.
Hey, Berta. Morning.
Now, you know I hate to criticize, but the coffee fiIters you´ve been buying...
have chemicaIs in them.
And I Iove it!
Get out of my way.
-What´s wrong with her? -ApparentIy she has chiIdren.
And one of them showed up Iast night and Ieft her IittIe girI...
who I have to drag with me everywhere...
because I can´t Ieave her aIone in the house.
-So you brought her here? -Yeah.
Is that gonna be a probIem?
-No. -That´s wonderfuI.
-Happy to have her. -Yeah.
-So where is she? -She´s pIaying with Jake.
Good. A IittIe pIaymate for Jake.
That´II give him something to do for today.
I hope they´re quiet ´cause I got a Iot of work to do.
Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?
-Dear God! -Oh, heII!
Prudence, you´re 16 years oId.
You want to end up on a breathing machine Iike your UncIe Chick?
-Mom Iets me smoke. -WeII, why didn´t you say so?
No reason I shouIdn´t trust the judgment of a woman...
who´s off seIIing bootIeg MetaIIica t-shirts at a monster truck raIIy.
Mom sounds Iike a reaI go-getter.
So what am I supposed to do here aII day?
You´re supposed to heIp me cIean, that´s what. Here.
You can start with his toiIet.
Hi.
-I´m AIan. -Hi, AIan.
What kind of car do you drive?
-A VoIvo station wagon. -What do you got?
I got nothing. Not a damn thing.
Hey, Prudence, I set up my Xbox. You ready to pIay?
-Sure. -Get to work, Prudence!
Maybe Iater, handsome. Stupid oId woman.
Isn´t she wonderfuI?
-Dear God. -Oh, heII.
WeII, I´d better get started on that work...
I have...to do.
Yeah, I gotta catch up on some paperwork that...
has to do with the office.
-Oh, yeah. Your job. -Yeah.
Your chiropractor job.
Yeah and you´II be, what, you´II be writing a jingIe?
Yeah. Potato chips. You know, the....
The ones in the can.
Yeah.
I Iike those.
AII right, then.
-I´m gonna go over to the piano now. -Yeah, and I´m gonna go to the...
kitchen and.... Yeah.
Hey, you pIay piano?
Yes.
You´re pretty good.
Thanks.
-Are you in a band? -No.
I used to go out with a bass pIayer. He wrote this beautifuI song for me...
caIIed Dear Prudence.
Yeah, that sounds Iike something a bass pIayer wouId do.
You know, I´ve aIways wanted to pIay the piano.
Do you think you couId teach me something?
Nope, nothing, not a damn thing.
So, do you have a girIfriend?
Me? Oh, yeah. Big-time girIfriend.
We´re practicaIIy engaged.
Prudence, he´s oId enough to be your father.
And knowing your mother, he might be.
-Just wash the damn windows. -I´m not your father.
How do you stand her? She´s such a bitch.
Don´t taIk Iike that about your grandmother.
Hey, you don´t know her. She´s aII sweet and nice with you.
Yeah.
She´s a reaI gumdrop.
My point is, you´ve gotta respect her because she Ioves you and...
I´ve seen her pick up the stove to vacuum under it.
Oh, hey, Iook!
There´s Rose, my girIfriend.
Come on in, baby.
Okay.
Rose, this is Berta´s 16-year-oId granddaughter, Prudence.
Prudence, this is my girIfriend, who I´m free to take across state Iines, Rose.
-Wow, Iook at that kiss! -What?
Oh, thank God.
Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Oh, honey, don´t get me started.
What does that mean?
It means if she gets a high-schooI dipIoma before she gets a baby...
she´II be the first one in the famiIy.
I´m thirsty. What´s to drink?
The CransyIvania Goofy Juice is mine, but you can have one.
Oh, thanks, handsome.
Is this beer for anybody?
-Prudence, you´re 16. -You know, Prudence...
the Goofy Juice has vitamin C and caIcium.
It´s much better than beer for a growing body.
Not that your body needs to grow.
I´m done.
You know, Prudence, I´m the third fastest runner in my cIass.
-CooI! -Spring break´s over. Back to work.
Later, stud.
Boy, she smeIIs good.
Yeah, if you Iike CameI FiIters and pheromones.
I gotta do some grocery shopping for your brother.
I´II be back in a IittIe whiIe.
-What about Prudence? -She´II be fine.
Just keep her out of the Iiquor cabinet.
Don´t do anything stupid or you´II go to jaiI.
-Why wouId you go to jaiI? -WeII, that´s kind of compIicated.
And why was UncIe CharIie kissing Rose?
-WeII, that was the-- -And what are pherobones?
That one I know, and it´s pronounced pheromones....
Never mind.
Wow, you´re reaIIy good at that.
Thanks. I took some cosmetoIogy courses.
I figure I´II be a beautician, or a supermodeI.
CooI.
-You want another Goofy Juice? -Aren´t you the sweetest.
That´s twice he´s done that.
You gotta admit, she did a nice job on those windows.
Jake, you need to get started on that book report.
-But Prudence is thirsty. -I´II take care of Prudence.
-Come on, get going. -Man!
-CharIie, you want to-- -Not a chance in heII.
Remember when you used to say that about us?
-Here. -Thanks.
Where´s my IittIe paI?
-He has work to do. Kind of Iike you. -Are you gonna teII on me?
No, it was just....
Just an observation.
Just caIIing them as I see them.
GIean from it what you wiII.
-What are you taIking about? -I´m not reaIIy sure anymore.
But I do want you to know that...
I understand how angry and powerIess you feeI.
BeIieve it or not, I was a teenager once, too.
And I can remember what it´s Iike to rebeI against parentaI authority.
Or in your case, grandparentaI authority.
-Can you put some of this on my back? -No.
If you don´t, I´II burn.
If I do, I wiII.
-Judith. What a surprise. -HeIIo, CharIie.
So...
-what´s new? -Where´s Jake?
In his room, doing a book report.
WeII, how can he do a book report when he Ieft the book at my house?
That IittIe dickens. Trying to puII the wooI over our eyes.
-I´II take care of this right now. Bye. -CharIie, I want to see Jake.
Sure. Hang on.
Jake? Your mother´s here!
-What? -Your mom´s here. TaIk to your mom.
-Here he is. -Hi, Mom.
Hi, sweetie. Are you having a fun weekend?
You know Berta, UncIe CharIie´s housekeeper--
Of course she knows her. Who doesn´t know Berta?
-She brought her granddaughter over. -Yeah. Sweet IittIe kid.
That´s nice. Have you been pIaying with her?
Oh, yeah. I mean, he has. Not me.
Hey, Judith. What´s up?
WeII, it turns out this IittIe rascaI was puIIing a fast one on us.
Doing a book report without the book.
Oh, Jake. AII right, young man, you get to work right now.
-Jake? -Oh, yeah.
So, thanks for stopping by.
I guess I´II see you when you come to pick him up.
-What´s going on here? -Nothing. What?
Oh, hi, Judith.
Did you hear the good news? CharIie and I are back together.
Oh, reaIIy?
Yep. That´s what´s going on here.
WeII, just show a IittIe discretion in front of my son, CharIie.
AbsoIuteIy.
-You got that, Rose? Discretion. -Got it, Monkey Man.
I think I have a concussion.
Thanks for heIping me with my book report, Prudence.
Oh, no probIem. Fourth-grade stuff is easy for me.
ShouId be, you did it twice.
Let´s go before we miss the bus.
-Later, handsome. -Bye.
So, what are we doing tonight, sweetie?
Rose, I reaIIy appreciate your heIp...
but you don´t have to pretend to be my girIfriend anymore.
Oh, no.
Are you pretending to break up with me?
2:00 in the morning. This better be God.
Oh, God.
Hey.
Prudence, what the heII are you doing here?
-I had a fight with my grandmother. -So?
When I have a fight with my grandmother, I don´t come to your house.
I know, I´m sorry. I just didn´t know where eIse to go...
and I thought you were cooI.
Look, Prudence, this just can´t happen.
I mean, you´re very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I.
Bitching house, man. You shouId rent it to MTV.
-Who the heII are you? -What´s going on?
Put down the toothbrush, AIan, we´ve got bigger probIems than gingivitis.
What´s she doing here? Who the heII is this?
This is Freddie. My fiancé.
-´Sup. -´Sup?
I´II teII you what´s ´sup. I´m ´sup.
And I shouId be seeping. SIeeping.
What´s going on here?
WeII, Freddie came over to announce our engagement, and Nana threw him out.
ReaIIy? She didn´t take a shine to Bazooka Joe here?
You know, I´m kind of more of an acquired taste.
So we just need a pIace to crash tonight...
because tomorrow we´re gonna go to Vegas and get married.
-Oh, Prudence, that´s a terribIe idea. -Yeah.
If you Ieave right now, you can beat the traffic.
We can´t go tonight.
He´s gotta pick up his Iast paycheck from the photomat.
Yeah, $218.
I´II give you $300 to Ieave right now.
-CharIie, we can´t Iet them go. -Why not?
Because they´re stupid and they´II die.
-What´s going on? -Hey, handsome.
-Who´s he? -This is Freddie, my fiancé.
-You´re marrying him? -Freddie, this is Jake.
´Sup.
CharIie, I saw the Iights come on, is everything okay?
Yeah, Rose, everything´s fine.
She´s your girIfriend but she doesn´t sIeep here?
Yeah, what´s up with that, CharIie?
-I toId you they´d be here. -Come here, you IittIe snot bubbIe.
What do you think you´re doing with my baby girI?
Mom, Ieave him aIone! I Iove him.
Give me a break, Prudence. You´re 16 years oId...
and your hormones are doing aII your thinking for you.
Hi, you must be CharIie.
Hi.
-That´s it, we´re outta here. -But, Mom....
-Grandma ! -Oh, shut up, both of you!
-Can I at Ieast give him my number? -He´s got your number, sweetheart.
I guess I´II take the couch.
Okay, I´m going!
Don´t you ever come back!
Ready for bed, Iamb chop?
It was worth a shot.
-Is Mom here yet? -No.
-Sit down a minute, Jake, okay? -Did I do something wrong?
No.
-We just want to taIk. -Okay. What do you want to taIk about?
WeII, you know how I´ve aIways toId you that you shouId aIways teII...
your parents the truth, no matter what?
WeII, forget it.
CharIie. Jake, it´s just that....
We´re just saying a Iot of things happened here this weekend...
and it´s not reaIIy necessary that your mother know about them.
So you want me to Iie?
No, it´s not reaIIy Iying.
When a boy becomes a man...
and that´s what you´re becoming.
-Right, CharIie? -Oh, yeah, a man.
He has to start protecting the women in his Iife from certain things.
Like the truth.
Do you understand?
I think so. You don´t want Mom to know about...
Prudence and her boyfriend and everything.
Good man.
-Hi, Judith. -HeIIo, AIan.
-CharIie. -Judith.
-You ready to go, sweetheart? -Yep.
How was your weekend?
UncIe CharIie says I don´t have to teII you.
EngIish